Area of Healing #1 - Unpredictable

Handling the Unpredictable

I like to know exactly what is going to happen, when, and how. I haven't always been this way... This particular "quirk" showed up about 3 years ago... when life really showed me just how unpredictable it could be. Life doesn't care if I have things planned or if someone's supposed to be part of a life milestone or anything else that I care about. Unknowingly, once I realized this I started trying to control the unpredictable by overplanning and detail scheduling everything and if anything did get changed last minute... anxiety, panic, tears, anger... it all showed up at once. My whole body reacted to the unpredicted change.

Example: Last year at the beach the plan was to check in, unload, go to the grocery store, pick up dinner, and eat at the house. This has always been my preferred way to do things so once I've eaten dinner I'm done for the night AND so I don't have to spend my first day at the beach at the grocery store. At some point in the unloading process talk started among my family about getting dinner first and then going to the grocery store. You would have thought they told me they were going to take my left foot... No one understood what was happening to me and how I so quickly became another person. To be honest, at the time, I didn't understand what was happening either. I didn't understand why that made me so upset, why it made my chest burn, why it made me want to scream and cry.

Since then, I've come to find this reaction is rooted in the most painful, unpredictable event in my life that happened 3 years ago. It's almost like my body remembers what that unexpected "change of plans" meant and felt like and now responds to all unexpected changes in plans as though they are as crucial as that particular one.

I wasn't expecting to work on this "quirk" during this trip, but life on the road is VERY different from life at home. At home I know what time I need to get up, go to bed, where to be and when, where I'll sleep, where I'll shower, where and what I'll eat, etc. Life at home is mostly predictable. Every day on the road I am faced with the unexpected and unpredictable. For instance... it is 10:30 at night and I STILL don't know what I'm going to eat for dinner or where I'll be sleeping. I often don't know when or where I'll eat or sleep. I never know what the weather is going to do and everything on my itinerary is outside. Sometimes I don't know exactly where I'll get a shower. I never know when I'll have cell service or wifi. I feel like I'm living in a constant state of unknown.

If I responded to all these moments the way I have these past 3 years, this trip would have collapsed on itself before it even started (remember the unexpected car trouble). I would have never been able to even leave. Even if I did leave, I never would have been able to enjoy it the way I have. I have completely surprised myself with my ability to handle the unpredictable and unknown while on the road. My hope is that when I return home and have to integrate back into normal life, that I am able to take this flexibility with me and apply it to life back home. I want to be able to face an unexpected change and know that it isn't life altering or heartbreaking just because the one was. I want to be able to look back and remember how well I handled the daily unpredictability of being on the road and use that to allow me to more calmly and clearly approach the moments that life decides to give me something other than what I had planned.

Why Am I Not Writing?

There are a few reasons I haven't written as I intended to...

1) QUALITY - Documenting the trip via YouTube and Instagram is proving to be a better way to capture things in the moment. 

2) TIME - Putting the videos together takes A LOT of time... time that would have otherwise been used to write.

3) ENERGY - By the end of every day I am exhausted, so finding the brain power to write is difficult.

4) AVOIDANCE - I have had a hard time journaling, blogging, reflecting, etc throughout this entire trip. The stuff that tries to surface when I'm alone with my thoughts is really ugly and hard to manage in regular life let alone this very unpredictable life I'm living right now. I journaled a week or so ago for a little bit, but I didn't get very far and I was very disconnected during my writing. There is a sense of fear, although I haven't nailed down what specifically the fear is tied to. 

This isn't how I envisioned this happening on this trip... I really wanted to be able to use this time and space to explore, dig, understand, heal, etc. Now, all of this isn't to say that there hasn't been any learning or reflecting. It just hasn't been what I thought it would be. 

My YouTube and Instagram (both at NomadNak) are the best ways to keep up with the daily adventures and happenings of my trip. My blog will be updated periodically throughout as well as for some time when I get back - I'm hoping this trip will affect how I live life when I return and will want to document that. 

Thank you to those who are reading, watching, Instagramming, etc. It really means a lot to me that I have some of you going on this trip with me. :)

Week 1 Tallys and Updates!!

As of about 11:30 this morning, I have officially been road tripping for one week!! That means I'm also officially 1/4 of the way through this wonderful, crazy, beautiful, fun, once in a lifetime adventure and learning experience! 7 days down... That's crazy... Because in some ways I feel like I started yesterday and in other ways I feel like it's been way too long...

In one week I have driven approximately 945 miles in approximately 28.5 hours!! For a girl who HATES driving and used to be terrified to drive from her college campus to her church 8 miles down the road... this is QUITE the feat!! That being said, I did drive on the other side of the car on the other side of the road in Australia, but I've never driven this far by myself before!! 

I have slept in 7 hotel parking lots, been to 7 planet fitness locations, been in the ocean 4 times, eaten 2 free breakfasts, been in 2 springs, saw 2 stingrays, collected 2 complete (non inhabited) shells, and rode on 1 ferry. I have met countless friendly locals and travelers.

One thing I won't tally up is how much money I've spent... I've been keeping track on a log, but I won't calculate the total, because while I don't want to run out or put myself in a bind... I also want to be able to enjoy my time and experiences. 

What I Miss Most (other than my cat): Having a Fridge

Favorite Car Meal: Turkey, Avo, and Lettuce Wrap

Top Destination Spot: Driftwood Beach on Jekyll Island, Georgia

Favorite Local Spot: TeaStori in Gainesville, FL

Top Excursion/Activity: Kayaking the Mangroves on Caledesi

What I Wish I Had Done Differently: Packed Less Stuff

Top Lesson Learned: Not everything in life can be predicted, scheduled, or planned and THAT'S OKAY!!

Jekyll Island, Georgia

Savannah, Georgia

Confessional

I've not read more than few pages of a single book since I left and I brought 7.

I've not written but one blog and it was rushed.

I've not journaled at all.

I've not worked out even once since I left.

Things are happening too quickly and are too rushed. There isn't time for me to do the non-adventurous stuff I wanted to do. There isn't time for me to stop, slow down, realign, reflect, and/or think through some of the hard/deeper stuff.

Part of me likes the fast pace... I can use it as an excuse to leave the tough stuff where it is and just have fun and explore! This is something I'm accustomed to. My schedule is always booked. I'm always going somewhere, doing something, crossing something off a to-do list. Part of this is simply related to how many relationships I have with friends and family that I like to take care of, but part of this is definitely avoidance.

No one wants to have to dig up old feelings, memories, thoughts, sit with the junk that was dug up, and figure out how to deal with it - surely it can't be kept out in the open, but it also can't be buried again, so how do you integrate it into current life??

Due to this realization (and starting my trip late)... I have had to come to the difficult decision to remove Louisiana from my itinerary. Lousiana was going to be really busy with a lot of running around and I have decided that's not what I want or need right now. I have never been and would love to go, but it will have to be saved for another trip. Right now I want and need nature - rivers, lakes, mountains, waterfalls, beaches, etc. Right now I want and need to slow down, breathe, be present, be now, be with me. As of right now I only have one month to myself and I want to make sure I'm doing what is best for me, so I hate to take it off the itinerary, but it gives me something to look forward to for another day.

Charleston, SC Day 2 & Morris Island

Accept, Appreciate, and Slow Down

After completing 4 days of my trip, I have already learned so much. These aren't necessarily brand new things... I've been told some of this stuff several times... but having a chance to experience the situations in a different environment, having a chance to pause and reflect right after, having the chance to quiet everything else in life and focus on these moments... it brings those lessons out in a new light. 

The first thing I'm learning is perfectly summed up in this quote I saw at the city market in Charleston, SC - "Falling down is a part of LIFE, Getting back up is LIVING". Life isn't going to perfect all the time - as proven in the MANY things that have gone wrong since the day before my trip. My car wasn't ready on time, the parts didn't fit, I left a day and a half late, it rained, my car wouldn't start, my DampRid spilled (3 times), I couldn't find parking downtown, I brought crabs "home"..., I crushed a gift, I killed a crab, I sunk half way up my shins in mud, I didn't have a memory card in my camera, I'm likely missing something and the list will inevitably grow as I continue traveling, because... that's life. However, if I had let all of those keep me down, make me turn around, or give up, I would have missed out on meeting Steve who gave me a free history lesson on Rainbow Row, missed out on finding a beautiful, perfect shell WITHOUT a crab living in it, missed out on meeting Norma (a sweet lady from Columbus, Ohio who was certain I was 18 and couldn't stop telling me how brave I was), missed out on seeing dolphins play in the water as the sunset behind them, and missed out on all the really awesome things to come. I'm really great at falling down... it's the not always getting back up that needs to change. 

Along with that, I'm learning that the good deserves as much, if not more attention than the bad. For some reason, I forget to mention in videos when really awesome stuff happens - like being expecting to have to pay a ridiculous price for parking only to have the machine break so I got out for free, like being bummed that the bike rental place on one of the islands wouldn't open for another 2 hours only to find that that worked in my favor because using my car turned out to be way better and easier, like being given a rose handmade with a palm leaf by a guy named Johnny in Forsyth Park, like wishing for a pedaling taxi to take me the mile to the park and having one come around the corner right at that moment, like having an amazing older brother who is always just a phone call away when I have car trouble and always helps me problem solve and keep me calm in those moments, and all the others that have already been forgotten and are still to come. For some reason, the bad is easier to remember and hold on to, but that needs to change. 

Tied to the previous two, I'm learning I need to slow down. Many of the things that have "gone wrong" could have been avoided if I just slowed down. Slowing down and thinking it through would allow me time to listen to the little thought of "you're gonna forget and it will spill" or "you're going to forget and you're going to run it over". Slowing down would have allowed me to better check my car before going to bed, remember other things to check for before taking shells, and get my car checked 2 weeks before I left and not the day before. A wise woman, possibly the wisest I know (aska: my mother) told me as long as I learn from my mistakes, then that's all that matters. How fast I'm constantly operating needs to change.

I am learning. Learning to accept the bad and appreciate the good. Learning to slow down so I can decrease the bad and increase the good. Learning is a process though. I won't get it right away, but with patience, time, and intention I will get there. 

Charleston, SC - Day 1

Charleston, SC was my first destination. I had no idea what to expect and honestly just put it on the itinerary because it was the first main city along the coast. Charleston surprised me so much! I had no idea it was so rich in history, traditions, scenery, and architecture! This is definitely a destination I would love to return to one day for a long weekend! Two of my favorite Charleston moments are only captured in photos - my impromptu, free history tour from Steve and the time I spent reading "Neon Soul" by Alexandra Lee (a gift from a friend before I left) while sitting on the wall by the water. 

Final Preparations

Am I Crazy?

Being someone who loves traveling, I'm used to packing up my life for a weekend, a week, or even a year, so nothing that I'm doing right now feels out of the ordinary. It feels like when I pack for my week at the beach or a weekend at the mountains. A few times today, however, it ran through my head that this was anything but ordinary... that I'm about to legit live in my car for a month while driving around the southeast US... part of me freaked out, part of me got excited... but the main thought was... "Are you crazy?? This is crazy! Why would you do this? This is crazy. Surely you're not ACTUALLY doing this. You're not going to sleep in your trunk and prepare every meal in your backseat without a way to heat food! It's a weekend getaway right? Just a couple hours down the road, I'm certain. You'll be back by this time next week for sure!"

No matter how hard I try and tell myself that this is really happening... all the crazy bits and pieces... I can't wrap my head around it. I'm curious as to when I will finally realize that this is about to be my life for the next month...

Not a Great Start... Delayed...

It's a long, expensive story... with some light hearted go with the flow, some tears, and some learning...

Unexpected, Raw, Beautiful

You know those moments when you feel like life couldn't possibly have aligned any more perfectly? Those moments when you're just certain you were in the right place at the right time with the right people? Those moments when something ordinary becomes something extraordinary? 

I should be cleaning, doing laundry, packing, sorting, making lists, or anything else that would be progress towards getting me prepared to leave in TWO days... but right now this is more important than a timeline or an itinerary. 

Today's only trip-unrelated event was supposed to be an hour or two brunch with a semi-new friend to just catch up and complain about jobs, money, stress, etc. And that's how it started, but somehow over the course of the 5 hours... at some point and I'm not entirely sure how or when... it became so much more than that.

It became a chance to be real and honest with another person. It became a chance to show someone the real me and my struggles and feel accepted and understood rather than shamed and shunned. It became a chance to support a friend in their struggles and show them the love, acceptance, and understanding they deserve in the midst of their fight. For either of us to be willing to share what we did, took guts. This isn't something you just casually go around telling people and when you do... it can be incredibly terrifying and risky. You never know how what you say will be perceived or if anything you say will change what they think of you. The last thing anyone wants to be seen as is simply their battle, their struggle, their fight. There is so much more to us than just that. To be able to be seen for who you are - the whole you - and still be loved and valued and accepted... There's no other feeling like it in the world. 

The conversation we had was such an unexpected, raw, beautiful kick off for my entire trip. From the beginning I said this trip was about healing and after today I KNOW there will be some level of healing along the way. 

I am hopeful. I am optimistic. I am emboldened. 

Three feelings I haven't felt in a very, very long time... It likely won't last, because it seldom does, but if not, at least I know they're nearby and where to find them.

Gifts for the Road

Family, friends, co-workers, and families from work have given me a few gifts as a good luck, thank you, we'll miss you, and we support you. It's really warmed my heart and helped me to let go of some of the anxiety attached to this trip.

That's the End of That

Alright. What's done is done. Almost exactly a year ago today I started at what I thought was my dream job. That turned out to not be the case, so today was my last day... I have officially quit and finished my job...

First Day - Hopeful, optimistic, excited

Last Day - Done, Just Done

Wow. These last 2 days have been so mixed with emotions... 

Over all I've felt happy, loved, appreciated, cared for, and thought of. Two of my staff members and a few of the parents gave me the sweetest, most thoughtful and generous gifts for my trip. I even got teary over a couple of them - especially a card from my baby and a book from a friend/staff member. I felt like I had fulfilled my purpose when parents told me I was the reason they chose the center - my warmth, my passion, my smile, my professionalism, my kindness, my thoughtfulness, my thoroughness - all the things that made them feel like this was the best place for their child. I do what I do to positively impact the development of a child, but also to positively impact the parents' lives and give them peace of mind and according to them, I did just that. 

But I've also felt...

Excited to be moving on after spending too long in a situation that was destroying me in every way possible. A lot of times, my only saving grace was the kids' cuddles, the families' smiles, and chatting with my staff members. Excited to have a long time fantasy turn into a reality. Excited to experience life and have some new adventures added to my book. 

Sad to be walking away from the opportunity to be a part of a few particular children's every day lives... Likely the hardest part of all of this. Luckily, the parents of these particular kiddos gave me their contact information and urged me to contact them when I'm local again for coffee or to visit with the littles. Sad to not be seeing some of my favorite people every day. Three of our staff members became amazing friends that I never could have guessed would have come from this job. I looked forward to seeing them, catching up with them, and hanging out with them every day. It will be weird not being able to do this anymore. Sad that what I once thought was exactly what I wanted to do with my entire life, ever since I was young, turns out may not actually be a good fit for me. 

Nervous that this could all go horribly wrong. Nervous that I'll be stuck financially when I get back and/or won't have a job lined up. Nervous that my mom will be on her own, alone, for the longest time in her entire life. And me too!! Nervous that I'll be bit by a snake, attacked by an alligator, the boat will explode, I'll break my ankle hiking, I'll drown snorkeling... You name it, I've thought of it. Nervous that this whole thing won't be worth the risk.

Hopeful that I'll find some answers to my career path search. Hopeful that I'll get to do heaps of things I've never done before. Hopeful that I'll come back an even better version of myself. Hopeful that I'll have the chance to learn and grow in many different areas. Hopeful that I'll come to a new understanding of myself, who I am, what I'm worth, and what I deserve.

And So It Begins...

As of last night I’ve officially started bringing my stuff home from my desk. I’m trying to do a little at a time so it isn’t such a shock. I have 2 days left.... I honestly think I’m in complete denial. I still can’t belive this is happening... It just doesn’t feel real yet... No matter what I tell myself or how hard I try to think about it.... People at work are talking about my last day, my friends and family are talking about my last day, everyone’s talking about my trip... No one else seems to be confused or in denial.... So it’s just me then? Okay... It all just started as a fantasy, a chance to escape figuratively, but at some point it turned into a real life event... Fantasies are EASY! You can conjure up the best weather, all the materials, heaps of money, and so much more! Real life is MUCH harder!! I travel... but never like this... completely alone, all my own driving, sleeping in my car, no set itinerary... this could get real interesting real quick... it’s going to require a lot of adjusting and problem solving  on my part... Oh gosh... It’s gonna happen... It’s really gonna happen... In 6 days (less than 1 week!)  I’m off... Someone come over and pinch me and make sure I get in the car that morning and actually go please!!!

The beginning of bringing my stuff home...

J&T BnB

Before I decided to quit my job I had planned  a trip to see some family friends. I always enjoy my time with them, so I decided to go even though it was so close to my last days at work. As usual, it was fun, relaxing, delicious, and so good for my heart and mind. The first vlog of NomadNak is about this mini trip, why I'm vlogging, and where I'm at mentally and emotionally with the upcoming travel and ending my job. There isn't much time to blog right now as I am still working overtime at work, so enjoy the video! :P

Introducing NomadNak

A lot happens when traveling and it's hard to capture it all in words sometimes. I discovered this about a third of the way through my travels in Australia, which was when I started "vlogging" my experiences. I was so used to blogging and taking photos though, I often forgot to take videos. When I went to Ireland I vlogged a bit, but not as much as I wish I had. 

For this trip, I really want to make sure I'm able to capture the places and nature that I experience, the activities I get to do, the learning that happens along the way, and my thoughts and feelings as I go on this solo journey. Writing is great, it has its place and always will, but videos are often better at capturing moments IN the moment. For this reason, I have created a YouTube channel specifically for this trip - NomadNak. I will be using both my written blog and my vlogs to try and fully capture this journey for myself, but also as a way to share it with others. Don't worry - Every video will be posted on my blog so you don't have to remember to go to 2 places :P 

2 Down, 2 To Go

It's been 2 weeks since I've written, because it has been CRAZY ever since I quit and decided to road trip! Unless you work with me or are my family... I haven't seen you in these 2 weeks. My hours at work seriously ramped up (hello overtime pay!) and there is such much to be squared away before I leave.

This weekend brought with it a very nice break in the crazy! My mom and I got to spend some time with my brother (Marty) and SIL at their new house! Jessica (SIL) gave me a few little things for my trip and they couldn't have been more perfect! A bag and bracelet with the quote, "You were meant to be real, not perfect" and a bracelet that says, "All who wander are not lost". These quotes are perfect for where I am right now and what I am heading into! This morning a good friend met me for  breakfast to catch up and drop off the mattress I'll be using to sleep in my car! The company was lovely and the food was delicious! While talking with her, I realized... I only have 2.5 weeks left before I leave!! How is it possible that 2 weeks have already gone by since I first decided I was going to quit my job and road trip for a month?! Doesn't seem right. I've done so much, but there's still so much to do!!

I've started buying the special foods needed when traveling without a way to refrigerate or cook (jerky, powdered milk, quick oats) and the few items needed to prepare said foods from my car. *Side Note: Did you guys know Wal-Mart has almost every kitchen item for just $0.88?! That's better than Dollar Tree!! Not high quality obviously, but it will do for my needs!* Outside of food related items, I have completed my privacy curtain and window blockers for sleeping and changing (thanks to my brother (Collin) and SIL (Lydia) for helping me brainstorm!). Everything I need for my water adventures have also been purchased - including a snorkel set and things to keep my phone and other items dry. Lastly, I bought a seat cushion for my car... because my glutes and my car seat are about to spend A LOT of time together!! :P

These last 2 weeks have also been used to solidify some plans for my first 3 stops and I'm now pretty clear on the plans for the next 3 after that as well.

The one thing I haven't figured out yet... how to make money on the road!! It isn't a necessity, it would just allow me more freedom for experiences and maybe even let me extend my travels. So if any of you have family or friends in/near Charleston SC, Savannah GA, or Jacksonville or Gainesville FL who would love a date night babysitter from out of town just let me know!! Or if anyone knows of a company needing a part time data entry person... ;)

So, to this point, I have completed 2 of my 4 final weeks at my job... It still seems surreal. 8 days is all I have left at a job I started a year ago, bright eyed, excited, and hopeful that I'd love it and stay in  it for some time. 8 days. After being there for a year, 8 days seems like nothing... There's a lot I have to do to make sure my boss is set so this transition isn't any harder for her or our families than it's already going to be, but I'm going to do what I can to make it happen. There are some seriously mixed feelings when I really stop to think about it all, but the main feeling that keeps coming back is peace. I doubt myself and my choices every now and then, but in the end, I always come back to knowing I'm doing what's best for me, right now.

Snooze Fest on the 4th!

For me, July 4th didn't involve fireworks or a cookout or time at the pool. It did, however, involve a solid nap with Munkie and a preliminary testing of my idea for sleeping in my car!!

At the beginning I felt like I was just playing pretend, until I remembered that I am in fact going to be doing this... for several nights. There was a brief second of "what the heck are you doing are you crazy this is insane so many awful things could happen what are you going to do then this isn't going to work quit this nonsense". Followed by "I'm doing something different, something daring, something adventurous, something odd, something I may never get the opportunity to do later, something freeing, something healing, and something I can learn from, so no... I will not quit this nonsense!!" I then continued on with planning my sleeping arrangements.

I thought about just sleeping across the back, but that would require a lot of moving stuff around every night and morning. Plus, I'm short, but I'm still not short enough to stretch out entirely across the back seat of a car. Problem. Solution? My back seats fold down!! When I bought the car about 4 years ago I thought it was an odd feature. They said it was to transport long stuff... but I've never used the feature (that I remember anyways). Who knew it would come in handy 4 years later for sleeping!

I folded the bigger half of the seat down, but it creates quite a dip right where my hips would be, so I stuffed a blanket, towel, and other random things at my hips and to support my legs, laid a roll out mattress on top of it and well... if it weren't for the 90 degree heat that day I could have taken a nap!! It was oddly comfortable! All of these items were just makeshift until I find the actual things I need, but now I know what I need to make it happen!

Honestly, when road tripping, getting a good night's sleep will be super important for all the driving and exploring. Also, if you know me well... you know how much I LOVE my naps, so I can't travel for a month or so with no way to get a good nap in! That's apparent in the fact that the only thing I've planned or figured out so far is how I'm going to sleep!! :P

Next up? Makeshift window screens and curtains!!

Not Easy. Necessary.

Talking with my boss on Monday afternoon about resigning was even harder than I anticipated it being, however, my boss’ response was actually more supportive and understanding than I had imagined. We talked for about an hour, with tears here and there. I gave a general explanation of why I was leaving and made sure she saw and heard my heart. She’s a great person and I hate doing this to her. She and the kids are the reason I’ve stayed as long as I have.

People have asked why I didn’t just quit or why I’m staying on for 2 – 4 weeks. Well, I wish I could just up and leave the day of or even give 2 weeks and walk away, but instead I will be working through the end of this month. This was my choice for many reasons. 1 – I care about my boss too much to leave her high and dry like that. 2 – Our families (and some of the children) need time to wrap their heads around it as I have become a main, trusted source in regards to the care of their children. 3 – I need this time to process what’s happening including what and who I’m walking away from as well as what I am about to do over the next month or two. 4 – I need this time to prepare and plan for the massive upcoming travel as it is different than any kind of traveling I've ever done before. And 5 – I kind of need to take advantage of the opportunity to squeeze an extra paycheck out of this job… because money on the road will be hard to come by.

Resigning has given me a preliminary sense of freedom though for the time being. Just knowing that it’s temporary is helpful. It allows me to take a breath when it becomes miserable or when I have thoughts like “I just can’t do this anymore”.

For example, last night at work, I was on the edge of tears because I was so exhausted and overwhelmed. Once I reminded myself it was all temporary, it helped keep things in perspective and I was able to finish the tasks before me. Knowing I’m leaving is also hard though. My job is more than a desk/cubicle/client job… It’s a job involving strong relationships with children and their families. I’m not walking away from a cubicle or a computer… I’m walking away from deep bonds I’ve formed with little ones… yet again….. this seems to be a pattern in my life…

Anyways, today, as I kissed my baby (he’s known as my boyfriend throughout the center and some of the staff call me his mama – don’t worry, his mom is okay with our relationship ;) ) I couldn’t help but think about how we both came into the center at the same time. He was 2 months old, tiny as could be, and couldn’t do much other than eat, sleep, and give cuddles. I’ve watched him grow into a 14 month old baby who smiles ear to ear every time he sees me in the door window, waves hello and goodbye, points at everything, pulls up and cruises, feeds himself, has started saying “words”, and so much more. I don’t know what spell he has cast on me, but as I told him yesterday, he stole a piece of my heart and never gave it back. Then there’s my girl. She was 2 when I started and just turned 3 about a month ago. She’s in foster care, but is with the most amazing foster parents ever. She has a hard time coming to school some days, but when she sees me by her classroom door she’ll run all the way down the hallway, jump into my arms, and happily tell mom/dad goodbye. She likes to hang out in the office with me in the evenings, just because she wants to be with me. She always comes to find me at pick up time to tell me goodbye and get cuddles. Her parents and teachers tell me she asks about me when I’m not around. She has no filter. The things she says are absolutely hilarious, even though she’s not trying to be. Her smile and goofy personality are enough to make sure anyone has a good day.

This… This is what I’m walking away from... and it's hard. I keep having to remind myself that these kids will be fine. Every child I’ve ever left has been fine. It’s mostly me who has to find a way to manage knowing that love and that relationship and be willing to let it go. I also keep reminding myself that I am walking away from these children and their families… but for what feels like the first time… I’m walking towards my true self. I’m walking towards my dreams, my desires, my health, and my healing.

The HARDEST Step

In the intro I mentioned some events from my childhood, well, rooted in the aftermath of some of those events is my desire to please people and not let others down. This quality of “people-pleasing” is going to be my downfall in life if I don’t get it under control. So many times I have put other people’s comfort and happiness before my own to the point of my own destruction. Out of fear, I often stay in situations longer than I should. Fear of what will be thought of me, fear of disappointing people, fear of what is on the other side for me, fear of the unknown and unfamiliar. I don’t really remember life without this part of me, but I can see life without this when I look at pictures of myself as a very very young child. One part of this healing journey I’ve been on over the last 2 years, has been not letting my past control my present or my future. The events of my past really jade my thoughts and memories of that time, but I don’t want it to do the same to my present and future too. However, by staying where I am now, I am, in fact, letting my past control both of those things.

I think I’m ready though. Ready to take control of what’s mine… my life, my success, my happiness, my joy, my fulfillment. For much of my life I’ve handed a lot of this over to other people – letting them decide what happens or how I feel – but I want to take back what is mine.

To do this… I need to quit my job. I love my boss, the staff, and most of all the children and their families. I even love the role itself, but the instability and unpredictability is taking its toll. The job has gotten far too close too many times to making sure I never get the things back that are mine. After all the blood, sweat, and tears I’ve poured into healing… I’d be stupid to let a job undo it all. There are some days that have been amazing – everything the job can and should be, but the majority of the days are not. I don’t want to trade 7% of good days for 93% of bad days. Work should be a part of life, not all of life.

I also need to quit my living arrangement. Don’t get me wrong, living with my mom has been a gift – mentally, emotionally, and financially. It has given me time with my mom that I wouldn’t trade for anything. It has given me yummy meals almost every night of the week. It has given me a little slice of beautiful, country retreat to come home to every night. It has given me a free cat sitter when I go away for the weekend. It has given me someone to share little moments with and to say good morning and good night to. It has given me all of this and so much more. That being said, I think there’s a reason children grow up and move out. We become adults. It’s hard to feel like and act like an adult when you’re living in your childhood home with your parent. To no fault of hers – it’s just there’s no separating the mother/daughter dynamic. And honestly, she'd probably like some time to herself where someone isn't always leaving dishes in the sink, clothes in the laundry room, lunchbox in the fridge, etc. Like I said, we're both adults and have our own way of doing things, so it's hard when those two collide. She’s my ma, my best friend, my favorite person (literally, if I could only keep one person on earth with me for the rest of my life it would be her… sorry guys!!), and all of those things will remain true whether we live together or not. I will always be nearby (few miles down the road, separate addition on the house, a tiny home in the backyard… who knows!), but I need my own space. I need to be an adult to further help me in my healing and taking control.

And lastly… I need to quit my family and friends (temporarily). Because I love my family and friends I love spending time with them and helping them whenever I can. However, sometimes I do those things so much that the time I spend with myself or helping myself dwindles into nothing and I find myself in a not so great place. I used to be an extrovert all the time. There was always something on my calendar with someone, but as I’ve begun healing I’ve realized that was for 2 reasons. 1 – It kept me from facing things I didn’t want to face and 2 – I didn’t know what self care was or realize its importance. So, to truly get to where I want to be personally… I need to spend some time away temporarily so I can really hone in on me, what I need, what I want, where I want to go in life, who I want to be, how I can let go and forgive, how I can heal, etc.

Now, this all sounds very selfish (and possibly irresponsible) but at the end of the day, I’m all I’ve got and I’ve got to take care of me. No one else can or will do it for me. I’ve spent so many years of my life focusing on others (what they want/need, what they think of me, how to make my life match theirs, how it helps me escape, etc) that I got so incredibly lost. I’m out there somewhere. I’ve been collecting clues and hints over the last 2 years. But now… Now I think it’s time to go find me.

So friends and family, this is how I’m letting you know that I have officially quit my job and will be traveling solo, by car, for 2ish months, around the entire eastern half of the United States. Some of you I may actually see along the way, but the rest will have to wait until I get back. No set plans have been made, no budget, no preparations, nothing. So far… All I have is the fear of failing and the fear of disappointing people, but more importantly, the excitement of an adventure and the support of those who love me most… and honestly… that’s about all I need!

An Intro

If you’re here, you likely know at least a little bit about my story. If not, here’s a quick recap of what’s relevant to what’s about to happen.

I’ve loved the arts – theater, poetry, dance, music, writing, mixed media, etc since I was a tot. I’ve loved flying and traveling since I was about 10. I’ve loved adrenaline since I was about 13. I’ve loved big travel and adventure since I was about 18. I’ve been to Australia (1.5 years), New Zealand (1.5 weeks), and Ireland (1.5 weeks) on my own. All of this… I’ve gotten from my dad – a dreamer, traveler, adventurer, and secret artist. *Forever Grateful*

However, I have always been and will always be a mama’s girl – she’s literally my favorite person. My cat’s name is Munkie, she is 8 years old, and I’ve had her since the day she was born. She is my literal life-saver.

My childhood, adolescene, and early adulthood has some pretty fantastic pieces to it - family games, Friday night fast food and movies with the family, bed time routine with my mom, Christmas and progressive dinners with extended family and friends, trips to the lake, sleepovers and birthday parties with friends, beach trips with friends, Florida and Hawaii with just my dad, putting makeup on my dad and doing his hair, getting out of school early to go to the movies with my mom, summers at home with my brother, being protected from bad dreams by my brother, exploring the woods with my brothers, late nights with roommates in college, the list could literally go on. That being said, my childhood, adolescence, and early adulthood had some equally awful pieces to it. The details aren’t necessary, but the events are a part of my past and were intense and/or frequent enough to shape my thoughts, how I managed feelings, how I coped with the world, etc. These thoughts were maladaptive and my feeling management and coping strategies weren’t healthy, but they were the only way I knew how to keep on. I carried all of this with me into my adult years.

3 years ago my life got flipped upside down. I wasn’t ready, no one ever could be. I really wasn’t ready though, in the sense that I had never healed from my past and was still experiencing maladaptive thoughts, poor feelings management, and unhealthy coping strategies. This sent me down - further than I have ever gone before. To a dark place. An unreachable place. A dangerous place. 2 years ago (after pressure from some friends and family) I started seeking help. Help to cope, help to manage, help to ultimately and eventually heal. Nearly 1 year ago, life flipped again. This time with some warning and not quite as drastically, but enough that it set me back. Since then I’ve gotten to witness some major growth and progress in my health – mentally, emotionally, and physically.

I’m nearly 2 years from my date of first seeking help and I’m in the best place I’ve ever been, but I’m still not where I want to be or where I believe I can be. There’s more to be tapped into and that’s where this journey comes into play. So many negative things in my life have just happened to me instead of me being an active decision maker in the process. I just turned 28 and I think it’s high time that I take control and get to make life happen. This could be great, it could be awful, but likely will be a mix of both. Either way, no matter what happens… it will be another adventurous piece of my story.