The HARDEST Step

In the intro I mentioned some events from my childhood, well, rooted in the aftermath of some of those events is my desire to please people and not let others down. This quality of “people-pleasing” is going to be my downfall in life if I don’t get it under control. So many times I have put other people’s comfort and happiness before my own to the point of my own destruction. Out of fear, I often stay in situations longer than I should. Fear of what will be thought of me, fear of disappointing people, fear of what is on the other side for me, fear of the unknown and unfamiliar. I don’t really remember life without this part of me, but I can see life without this when I look at pictures of myself as a very very young child. One part of this healing journey I’ve been on over the last 2 years, has been not letting my past control my present or my future. The events of my past really jade my thoughts and memories of that time, but I don’t want it to do the same to my present and future too. However, by staying where I am now, I am, in fact, letting my past control both of those things.

I think I’m ready though. Ready to take control of what’s mine… my life, my success, my happiness, my joy, my fulfillment. For much of my life I’ve handed a lot of this over to other people – letting them decide what happens or how I feel – but I want to take back what is mine.

To do this… I need to quit my job. I love my boss, the staff, and most of all the children and their families. I even love the role itself, but the instability and unpredictability is taking its toll. The job has gotten far too close too many times to making sure I never get the things back that are mine. After all the blood, sweat, and tears I’ve poured into healing… I’d be stupid to let a job undo it all. There are some days that have been amazing – everything the job can and should be, but the majority of the days are not. I don’t want to trade 7% of good days for 93% of bad days. Work should be a part of life, not all of life.

I also need to quit my living arrangement. Don’t get me wrong, living with my mom has been a gift – mentally, emotionally, and financially. It has given me time with my mom that I wouldn’t trade for anything. It has given me yummy meals almost every night of the week. It has given me a little slice of beautiful, country retreat to come home to every night. It has given me a free cat sitter when I go away for the weekend. It has given me someone to share little moments with and to say good morning and good night to. It has given me all of this and so much more. That being said, I think there’s a reason children grow up and move out. We become adults. It’s hard to feel like and act like an adult when you’re living in your childhood home with your parent. To no fault of hers – it’s just there’s no separating the mother/daughter dynamic. And honestly, she'd probably like some time to herself where someone isn't always leaving dishes in the sink, clothes in the laundry room, lunchbox in the fridge, etc. Like I said, we're both adults and have our own way of doing things, so it's hard when those two collide. She’s my ma, my best friend, my favorite person (literally, if I could only keep one person on earth with me for the rest of my life it would be her… sorry guys!!), and all of those things will remain true whether we live together or not. I will always be nearby (few miles down the road, separate addition on the house, a tiny home in the backyard… who knows!), but I need my own space. I need to be an adult to further help me in my healing and taking control.

And lastly… I need to quit my family and friends (temporarily). Because I love my family and friends I love spending time with them and helping them whenever I can. However, sometimes I do those things so much that the time I spend with myself or helping myself dwindles into nothing and I find myself in a not so great place. I used to be an extrovert all the time. There was always something on my calendar with someone, but as I’ve begun healing I’ve realized that was for 2 reasons. 1 – It kept me from facing things I didn’t want to face and 2 – I didn’t know what self care was or realize its importance. So, to truly get to where I want to be personally… I need to spend some time away temporarily so I can really hone in on me, what I need, what I want, where I want to go in life, who I want to be, how I can let go and forgive, how I can heal, etc.

Now, this all sounds very selfish (and possibly irresponsible) but at the end of the day, I’m all I’ve got and I’ve got to take care of me. No one else can or will do it for me. I’ve spent so many years of my life focusing on others (what they want/need, what they think of me, how to make my life match theirs, how it helps me escape, etc) that I got so incredibly lost. I’m out there somewhere. I’ve been collecting clues and hints over the last 2 years. But now… Now I think it’s time to go find me.

So friends and family, this is how I’m letting you know that I have officially quit my job and will be traveling solo, by car, for 2ish months, around the entire eastern half of the United States. Some of you I may actually see along the way, but the rest will have to wait until I get back. No set plans have been made, no budget, no preparations, nothing. So far… All I have is the fear of failing and the fear of disappointing people, but more importantly, the excitement of an adventure and the support of those who love me most… and honestly… that’s about all I need!