Talking with my boss on Monday afternoon about resigning was even harder than I anticipated it being, however, my boss’ response was actually more
supportive and understanding than I had imagined. We talked for about an hour, with tears here and
there. I gave a general explanation of why I was leaving and made sure she saw
and heard my heart. She’s a great person and I hate doing this to her. She and the kids are the reason I’ve stayed as long as I have.
People have asked why I didn’t just quit or why I’m staying
on for 2 – 4 weeks. Well, I wish I could just up and leave the day of or even give
2 weeks and walk away, but instead I will be working through the end of this
month. This was my choice for many reasons. 1 – I care about my boss too much
to leave her high and dry like that. 2 – Our families (and some of the children) need time to wrap their heads around it as I have become a main, trusted source in regards to the care of their children. 3 – I need this time to process what’s
happening including what and who I’m walking away from as well as what I am about to do
over the next month or two. 4 – I need this time to prepare and plan for the massive upcoming travel as it is different than any kind of traveling I've ever done before. And 5 – I kind of need to take advantage of the opportunity to squeeze
an extra paycheck out of this job… because money on the road will be hard to come
by.
Resigning has given me a preliminary sense of freedom though
for the time being. Just knowing that it’s temporary is helpful. It allows me
to take a breath when it becomes miserable or when I have thoughts like “I just
can’t do this anymore”.
For example, last night at work, I was on the edge of tears
because I was so exhausted and overwhelmed. Once I reminded myself it was all
temporary, it helped keep things in perspective and I was able to finish the
tasks before me. Knowing I’m leaving is also hard though. My job is more than a
desk/cubicle/client job… It’s a job involving strong relationships with
children and their families. I’m not walking away from a cubicle or a computer…
I’m walking away from deep bonds I’ve formed with little ones… yet again….. this
seems to be a pattern in my life…
Anyways, today, as I
kissed my baby (he’s known as my boyfriend throughout the center and some of
the staff call me his mama – don’t worry, his mom is okay with our relationship
;) ) I couldn’t help but think about how we both came into the center at the
same time. He was 2 months old, tiny as could be, and couldn’t do much other
than eat, sleep, and give cuddles. I’ve watched him grow into a 14 month old
baby who smiles ear to ear every time he sees me in the door window, waves
hello and goodbye, points at everything, pulls up and cruises, feeds himself, has started saying “words”, and so
much more. I don’t know what spell he has cast on me, but as I told him
yesterday, he stole a piece of my heart and never gave it back. Then there’s my girl. She
was 2 when I started and just turned 3 about a month ago. She’s in foster care,
but is with the most amazing foster parents ever. She has a hard time coming to
school some days, but when she sees me by her classroom door she’ll run all the
way down the hallway, jump into my arms, and happily tell mom/dad goodbye. She
likes to hang out in the office with me in the evenings, just because she wants
to be with me. She always comes to find me at pick up time to tell me goodbye
and get cuddles. Her parents and teachers tell me she asks about me when I’m
not around. She has no filter. The things she says are absolutely
hilarious, even though she’s not trying to be. Her smile and goofy personality
are enough to make sure anyone has a good day.
This… This is what I’m walking away from... and it's hard. I keep having to
remind myself that these kids will be fine. Every child I’ve ever left has been
fine. It’s mostly me who has to find a way to manage knowing that love and that
relationship and be willing to let it go. I also keep reminding myself that I
am walking away from these children and their families… but for what feels like
the first time… I’m walking towards my true self. I’m walking towards my
dreams, my desires, my health, and my healing.
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