Handling the Unpredictable
I like to know exactly what is going to happen, when, and how. I haven't always been this way... This particular "quirk" showed up about 3 years ago... when life really showed me just how unpredictable it could be. Life doesn't care if I have things planned or if someone's supposed to be part of a life milestone or anything else that I care about. Unknowingly, once I realized this I started trying to control the unpredictable by overplanning and detail scheduling everything and if anything did get changed last minute... anxiety, panic, tears, anger... it all showed up at once. My whole body reacted to the unpredicted change.
Example: Last year at the beach the plan was to check in, unload, go to the grocery store, pick up dinner, and eat at the house. This has always been my preferred way to do things so once I've eaten dinner I'm done for the night AND so I don't have to spend my first day at the beach at the grocery store. At some point in the unloading process talk started among my family about getting dinner first and then going to the grocery store. You would have thought they told me they were going to take my left foot... No one understood what was happening to me and how I so quickly became another person. To be honest, at the time, I didn't understand what was happening either. I didn't understand why that made me so upset, why it made my chest burn, why it made me want to scream and cry.
Since then, I've come to find this reaction is rooted in the most painful, unpredictable event in my life that happened 3 years ago. It's almost like my body remembers what that unexpected "change of plans" meant and felt like and now responds to all unexpected changes in plans as though they are as crucial as that particular one.
I wasn't expecting to work on this "quirk" during this trip, but life on the road is VERY different from life at home. At home I know what time I need to get up, go to bed, where to be and when, where I'll sleep, where I'll shower, where and what I'll eat, etc. Life at home is mostly predictable. Every day on the road I am faced with the unexpected and unpredictable. For instance... it is 10:30 at night and I STILL don't know what I'm going to eat for dinner or where I'll be sleeping. I often don't know when or where I'll eat or sleep. I never know what the weather is going to do and everything on my itinerary is outside. Sometimes I don't know exactly where I'll get a shower. I never know when I'll have cell service or wifi. I feel like I'm living in a constant state of unknown.
If I responded to all these moments the way I have these past 3 years, this trip would have collapsed on itself before it even started (remember the unexpected car trouble). I would have never been able to even leave. Even if I did leave, I never would have been able to enjoy it the way I have. I have completely surprised myself with my ability to handle the unpredictable and unknown while on the road. My hope is that when I return home and have to integrate back into normal life, that I am able to take this flexibility with me and apply it to life back home. I want to be able to face an unexpected change and know that it isn't life altering or heartbreaking just because the one was. I want to be able to look back and remember how well I handled the daily unpredictability of being on the road and use that to allow me to more calmly and clearly approach the moments that life decides to give me something other than what I had planned.
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