Handling the Unpredictable
I like to know exactly what is going to happen, when, and how. I haven't always been this way... This particular "quirk" showed up about 3 years ago... when life really showed me just how unpredictable it could be. Life doesn't care if I have things planned or if someone's supposed to be part of a life milestone or anything else that I care about. Unknowingly, once I realized this I started trying to control the unpredictable by overplanning and detail scheduling everything and if anything did get changed last minute... anxiety, panic, tears, anger... it all showed up at once. My whole body reacted to the unpredicted change.
Example: Last year at the beach the plan was to check in, unload, go to the grocery store, pick up dinner, and eat at the house. This has always been my preferred way to do things so once I've eaten dinner I'm done for the night AND so I don't have to spend my first day at the beach at the grocery store. At some point in the unloading process talk started among my family about getting dinner first and then going to the grocery store. You would have thought they told me they were going to take my left foot... No one understood what was happening to me and how I so quickly became another person. To be honest, at the time, I didn't understand what was happening either. I didn't understand why that made me so upset, why it made my chest burn, why it made me want to scream and cry.
Since then, I've come to find this reaction is rooted in the most painful, unpredictable event in my life that happened 3 years ago. It's almost like my body remembers what that unexpected "change of plans" meant and felt like and now responds to all unexpected changes in plans as though they are as crucial as that particular one.
I wasn't expecting to work on this "quirk" during this trip, but life on the road is VERY different from life at home. At home I know what time I need to get up, go to bed, where to be and when, where I'll sleep, where I'll shower, where and what I'll eat, etc. Life at home is mostly predictable. Every day on the road I am faced with the unexpected and unpredictable. For instance... it is 10:30 at night and I STILL don't know what I'm going to eat for dinner or where I'll be sleeping. I often don't know when or where I'll eat or sleep. I never know what the weather is going to do and everything on my itinerary is outside. Sometimes I don't know exactly where I'll get a shower. I never know when I'll have cell service or wifi. I feel like I'm living in a constant state of unknown.
If I responded to all these moments the way I have these past 3 years, this trip would have collapsed on itself before it even started (remember the unexpected car trouble). I would have never been able to even leave. Even if I did leave, I never would have been able to enjoy it the way I have. I have completely surprised myself with my ability to handle the unpredictable and unknown while on the road. My hope is that when I return home and have to integrate back into normal life, that I am able to take this flexibility with me and apply it to life back home. I want to be able to face an unexpected change and know that it isn't life altering or heartbreaking just because the one was. I want to be able to look back and remember how well I handled the daily unpredictability of being on the road and use that to allow me to more calmly and clearly approach the moments that life decides to give me something other than what I had planned.
Monday, August 20, 2018
Why Am I Not Writing?
There are a few reasons I haven't written as I intended to...
1) QUALITY - Documenting the trip via YouTube and Instagram is proving to be a better way to capture things in the moment.
2) TIME - Putting the videos together takes A LOT of time... time that would have otherwise been used to write.
3) ENERGY - By the end of every day I am exhausted, so finding the brain power to write is difficult.
4) AVOIDANCE - I have had a hard time journaling, blogging, reflecting, etc throughout this entire trip. The stuff that tries to surface when I'm alone with my thoughts is really ugly and hard to manage in regular life let alone this very unpredictable life I'm living right now. I journaled a week or so ago for a little bit, but I didn't get very far and I was very disconnected during my writing. There is a sense of fear, although I haven't nailed down what specifically the fear is tied to.
This isn't how I envisioned this happening on this trip... I really wanted to be able to use this time and space to explore, dig, understand, heal, etc. Now, all of this isn't to say that there hasn't been any learning or reflecting. It just hasn't been what I thought it would be.
My YouTube and Instagram (both at NomadNak) are the best ways to keep up with the daily adventures and happenings of my trip. My blog will be updated periodically throughout as well as for some time when I get back - I'm hoping this trip will affect how I live life when I return and will want to document that.
Thank you to those who are reading, watching, Instagramming, etc. It really means a lot to me that I have some of you going on this trip with me. :)
Thursday, August 9, 2018
Week 1 Tallys and Updates!!
As of about 11:30 this morning, I have officially been road tripping for one week!! That means I'm also officially 1/4 of the way through this wonderful, crazy, beautiful, fun, once in a lifetime adventure and learning experience! 7 days down... That's crazy... Because in some ways I feel like I started yesterday and in other ways I feel like it's been way too long...
In one week I have driven approximately 945 miles in approximately 28.5 hours!! For a girl who HATES driving and used to be terrified to drive from her college campus to her church 8 miles down the road... this is QUITE the feat!! That being said, I did drive on the other side of the car on the other side of the road in Australia, but I've never driven this far by myself before!!
I have slept in 7 hotel parking lots, been to 7 planet fitness locations, been in the ocean 4 times, eaten 2 free breakfasts, been in 2 springs, saw 2 stingrays, collected 2 complete (non inhabited) shells, and rode on 1 ferry. I have met countless friendly locals and travelers.
One thing I won't tally up is how much money I've spent... I've been keeping track on a log, but I won't calculate the total, because while I don't want to run out or put myself in a bind... I also want to be able to enjoy my time and experiences.
What I Miss Most (other than my cat): Having a Fridge
Favorite Car Meal: Turkey, Avo, and Lettuce Wrap
Top Destination Spot: Driftwood Beach on Jekyll Island, Georgia
Favorite Local Spot: TeaStori in Gainesville, FL
Top Excursion/Activity: Kayaking the Mangroves on Caledesi
What I Wish I Had Done Differently: Packed Less Stuff
Top Lesson Learned: Not everything in life can be predicted, scheduled, or planned and THAT'S OKAY!!
Monday, August 6, 2018
Confessional
I've not read more than few pages of a single book since I left and I brought 7.
I've not written but one blog and it was rushed.
I've not journaled at all.
I've not worked out even once since I left.
Things are happening too quickly and are too rushed. There isn't time for me to do the non-adventurous stuff I wanted to do. There isn't time for me to stop, slow down, realign, reflect, and/or think through some of the hard/deeper stuff.
Part of me likes the fast pace... I can use it as an excuse to leave the tough stuff where it is and just have fun and explore! This is something I'm accustomed to. My schedule is always booked. I'm always going somewhere, doing something, crossing something off a to-do list. Part of this is simply related to how many relationships I have with friends and family that I like to take care of, but part of this is definitely avoidance.
No one wants to have to dig up old feelings, memories, thoughts, sit with the junk that was dug up, and figure out how to deal with it - surely it can't be kept out in the open, but it also can't be buried again, so how do you integrate it into current life??
Due to this realization (and starting my trip late)... I have had to come to the difficult decision to remove Louisiana from my itinerary. Lousiana was going to be really busy with a lot of running around and I have decided that's not what I want or need right now. I have never been and would love to go, but it will have to be saved for another trip. Right now I want and need nature - rivers, lakes, mountains, waterfalls, beaches, etc. Right now I want and need to slow down, breathe, be present, be now, be with me. As of right now I only have one month to myself and I want to make sure I'm doing what is best for me, so I hate to take it off the itinerary, but it gives me something to look forward to for another day.
I've not written but one blog and it was rushed.
I've not journaled at all.
I've not worked out even once since I left.
Things are happening too quickly and are too rushed. There isn't time for me to do the non-adventurous stuff I wanted to do. There isn't time for me to stop, slow down, realign, reflect, and/or think through some of the hard/deeper stuff.
Part of me likes the fast pace... I can use it as an excuse to leave the tough stuff where it is and just have fun and explore! This is something I'm accustomed to. My schedule is always booked. I'm always going somewhere, doing something, crossing something off a to-do list. Part of this is simply related to how many relationships I have with friends and family that I like to take care of, but part of this is definitely avoidance.
No one wants to have to dig up old feelings, memories, thoughts, sit with the junk that was dug up, and figure out how to deal with it - surely it can't be kept out in the open, but it also can't be buried again, so how do you integrate it into current life??
Due to this realization (and starting my trip late)... I have had to come to the difficult decision to remove Louisiana from my itinerary. Lousiana was going to be really busy with a lot of running around and I have decided that's not what I want or need right now. I have never been and would love to go, but it will have to be saved for another trip. Right now I want and need nature - rivers, lakes, mountains, waterfalls, beaches, etc. Right now I want and need to slow down, breathe, be present, be now, be with me. As of right now I only have one month to myself and I want to make sure I'm doing what is best for me, so I hate to take it off the itinerary, but it gives me something to look forward to for another day.